Dear Fanfiction Authors
by Peaceful Sunrise
Summary: Our favourite characters have discovered our stories. And they're not happy about it. Here's what they have to say to you. Or curse, hex, jinx, permanantly disable, kill, etc .
1. Sincerely, Harry Potter

**Hi everyone, I'm back.**

**So, my genius uncle managed to recover everything on my old computer's hard drive. Yay for him! So I have all my old stories back, which means that when I do get the inspiration for The NOT Triwizard Tournament, I will be posting up another chapter. Unti then, this is my new story.**

**I've read so many Dear Fanfiction Writers stories, and have cracked up many times because of said stories. I decided I'd try my hand at writing my own, even if I do disgree with some of the stuff I write (I'm a Harry/Hermione shipper. So sue me) But I figured it'd be funny for laughs. So without further ado, the first chapter of Dear Fanfiction Authors, starring our very own hero, Harry Potter! Please review!**

**Disclaimer: I'm a Harry/Hermione shipper. J.K. Rowling's a Harry/Ginny shipper. You figure it out. Am I her?**

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Chapter One: Harry Potter

Dear Fanfiction authors:

Are you guys crazy?

I mean, I've met tons of crazy people before (Bellatrix Lestrange, Lord Voldemoron, the Weasley twins, etc), but none of them, and I repeat none of them, hold even a candle to you lot! Seriously? I'm a guy, people, a guy. And not just any guy, a _Potter. _Not Snape, not Black, Potter. Stop disgracing my mother's memory!

And what is this load of dung about me liking guys, especially a certain twitchy blond ferret? I'm married to _Ginny,_ and happy! Not Malfoy, not Ron, not that weird Slytherin kid Blaise whatshisname, and definitely not Voldemort! Seriously? On that matter, what is wrong with you sickos? Why would why I be with my _godfather_? Aside from the fact that I'm straight, that's just wrong! And stop 'pairing' me with all those other girls. Hermione's like my sister, Luna, well, there's only so much you can listen to about Nargles, Tonks and Lupin would both castrate me if I even went anywhere near her, and all those other girls? Pansy's downright nasty, I barely know Susan Bones and Hannah Abbott, and for Merlin's sake, I don't like Malfoy's mum! Ew, or her sister.

Finally, I'm just a normal guy, ok? I think you all must have read too much Rita Skeeter if you really think I'm as powerful as some of you make me out to be. Really? An Elemental? A Veela? A Vampire? A Succubus (What is that anyway?)? Newsflash: I'M A HUMAN WIZARD, thank you very much, and I'd rather prefer to stay that way. Sure, I might be more powerful than the average wizard, but just because I can do a Patronus at 13, or because I saved the Philosopher's Stone, killed a basilisk, defeated Voldemort, yada yada yada, doesn't mean I'm Merlin reincarnate! My father, godfather, and the rat became Animagi at 15! And the rat wasn't all that bright either, apparently. So they were pretty brilliant too! But do they ever become super powerful sparkly vampires? No. (Poor Cedric: a fate worse than death)

I think I've pretty much covered everything. Oh, my wife Ginny asked me to pass a message along. She will come after you with her Bat-Bogey hex if you keep writing these ridiculous stories about me with other people. I'd advise you to listen.

Sincerely,

Harry James_ Potter_


	2. Sincerely, Hermione Weasley née Granger

**Here's the second chapter of Dear Fanfiction Authors, obviously. Hermione this time, and she has quite a bit to say to us!**

**Diclaimer: I'm making no money out of this. J.K. Rowling's made millions. Do the math. I also don't own Starkid.**

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Chapter Two: Hermione Granger

Dear Fanfiction authors:

Hello, I'm Hermione _Jean Weasley_ née Granger, not, as many of you claim I am, Hermione Jane Potter, Malfoy, etc. My friends call me Hermione, not 'Mione', and I am very grateful that they do. Honestly, you people are worse than Viktor at saying my name right! At least Hermy-own-ninny resembles my name! I don't know where you get Herman, Hermango-boingo, Hermononucleosis, Herman-monster, or any of those utterly ridiculous names from! And why is everyone under the impression that I cannot draw? I'll have you know that I won an art contest when I was younger.

I would also like to express my displeasure at all the people you put me with. Honestly, Harry's like my brother! And why do you like to put me with Malfoy, of all people? He thinks I'm a Mudblood! I'm with Ron Weasley, and yes, _Ron _Weasley. Not Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, or Ginny. _Ron_. Don't even get me started on the pairing me with older men thing. Just because I respect adults and teachers doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship with them! Keep that in mind next time you want to make Professor Snape my husband. According to Harry, he liked his mother, Lily Potter née Evans, and just because she was a smart Muggleborn doesn't mean that he likes all smart Muggleborns! And why do you all feel that I would be happy to be in a harem, especially Harry's? If I were to get married, which I am, I wouldn't want to have to share my husband with anyone else! Marriage is a sacred thing between two people, not a whole group!

Lastly, I dislike how I am normally portrayed as a stubborn and emotional house elf fanatic. Yes, I do believe that all elves should be freed, or at least have decent working conditions, wages, rights, and vacations, but that doesn't mean that I'm not willing to listen to what others have to say about it! I may have been foolish and headstrong when I first started the campaign, but if it helps the elves, I can listen to others, you know. That's what I've been doing in school for over ten years. And I don't break down into tears or get all weepy when I find out I'm wrong. At least, not all the time. For heaven's sake, I was 15!

Please, for your sake as much as mine, cease these ridiculous stories. My husband is an Auror, you know, and I'm not called the brightest witch of my generation for nothing.

Sincerely,

Hermione Weasley


	3. Sincerely, the Ministry of Magic

**Hi everyone! Ok, first of all, I'm really sorry that I haven't updated at all the past few months, BUT I have very good reasons why not. One! Finals. Anyone who has ever taken finals knows how much studying you need to put in for them. As well, I also had an RCM exam RIGHT BEFORE my Socials exam, and our new Socials teacher (the old one left to write his book) is pretty tough on us. Two! Lots of homework, mostly from aforementioned teacher, and from my piano teacher. Three! I have discovered the wonders of Starkid. If you have ever watched Starkid, you will know what I mean. THEY ARE ADDICTING! Four! I haved had no inspiration whatsoever to write my stories. I know where I'm going with them, I just can't write it down. So! Have not updated mostly for those four reasons, but since summer is starting really soon (as in after tomorrow soon), I will have more time to update! Yay, if you're following my other story, The NOT Triwizard Tournament! WILL be updated! Soon...hopefully.**

**Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is right now, NOT stressing over exams (I don't think). Lucky famous grownup authors. I, however, AM stressing over exams. Therefore...guess who is not J.K. Rowling, and who doesn't own Harry Potter! **

**Read and review! Thanks to all those who have already reviewed! Constructive criticism welcome! Visit my weebly for more info on my stories (the link can be found on my profile page)**

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Chapter Three: Ministry of Magic

Dear Mr/Mrs Fanfiction Author(s):

It has come to our attention that certain rumours are being spread by you about the Ministry of Magic, completely false ones. Certain prominent members may have acted like fools, and disgraced the name of the Ministry in the past, but on behalf of everyone here in the Ministry of Magic, we can assure you that at no time do we intend to pass a marriage law, and certainly not one forcing purebloods to marry Muggleborns.

We would also, on the behalves of ourselves and our friends at the Daily Prophet, like to reassure you that the Daily Prophet is a reputable newspaper, and is not the mouthpiece of the Ministry! If you would kindly desist in your absurd conspiracies that seem to involve the Ministry and the Daily Prophet.

Finally, we would like to reaffirm that the Ministry is _not _corrupt, and that Ministry members do not take bribes! We here at the Ministry of Magic do not understand why you authors seem to enjoy portraying us as greedy incompetants, who do not seem to know what to do, and accept monetary gifts left and right. Donations from prominant members of the wizarding community are not bribes! And we wish to know why it seems perfectly alright when Mr. Potter offers bribes to us in your stories, but when other people make monetary donations, we are suddenly corrupt.

Sincerely,

The Ministry of Magic


	4. Sincerely, the Sorting Hat

**People of Fanfiction! It's me. Well, school's out! Yay! More time to write more stories. For readers of The NOT Triwizard Tournament, do not despair! I will update! I know what I'm going to do for the next chapter, it's actually forming cohesive and understandable (to everyone, not just me) sentances that I'm working on. I can't promise any update within the next week, but there will be one, hopefully before July ends! Sniff sniff, Hufflepuff lost the House Cup on Pottermore. But oh well, we're just there to have fun. Good job, Slytherin! I'm half Slytherin anyway.**

**You know the drill. I'm not famous or rich, which rules me out as J.K. Rowling, and I'm not part of the totally awesome Team Starkid. I mean, I am a Starkid, but not a member of the actual team itself. I'm a fan...get it? Yeah, so I don't own any of their stuff. **

**Read and review!**

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Chapter Four: Sorting Hat

Dear Fanfiction authors:

My my, so nice to see you all! Of course, I do wonder as to how I can possibly have met any of you, seeing as all of you are Muggles, and not likely to attend Hogwarts (I presume all of you are Muggles, for no Hogwarts student will surely risk the wrath of the Ministry of Magic and the International Confederacy of Wizards in breaking the Statute of Secrecy).

I do also wonder as to how I could have possibly resorted all those students in your stories. Once a student is placed in a House, he must stay there, no matter what difficulties he or she may have. Otherwise, we'd have students switching Houses whenever they pleased, and we may as well abolish the Houses altogether! Deal with it if your favourite people aren't put where you want them to be. They are put where they are best suited, not to where you or they think they're best suited. And contrary to popular belief, the Founders are NOT still 'alive' in Hogwarts, and therefore, do not maintain contact with me, and look in the students' heads while they are being Sorted. Only two people (or rather, one person and a hat) know what is said during their Sorting, and I will never tell a soul. Nor can one's Sorting be influenced by anyone, not even the current Headmaster or Headmistress, or, as you are so fond of believing, the somehow reincarnated Founders. If that had been so, what would they need me for?

Another matter which has been brought to my attention is the thought that I somehow contain all of the Founders' memories. Hello? Have you all been sitting on a dusty shelf for years? I contain certain character traits of the Founders, enough for me to know where to Sort a young student, but nothing short of a Penseive can contain and show memories to whoever they please. I am the Sorting Hat, not some memory disposal unit!

This is getting to be quite long, but I must protest this ridiculous notion that some Houses are better than others. Have you not been listening to any of my songs? Each House is equal in its strengths and weaknesses, and you cannot say one House is evil, one House is lame, one House is idiotic, and one House is for nerds. You lot must have been deaf or stupid if you did not heed my warnings. So many lives would have been spared if only wizards and witches in the past could put their prejudices aside!

Lastly, as this is becoming far too long to be attention holding enough, I do not know where you have gotten the idea that I was in a relationship with Augusta Longbottom's hat! It is not a sentient being, and has not a shred of life or intelligence! And what's all this about some type of scarf that announces your...well, your relationship preferences? Why am I paired with this rainbow coloured creature?

Sincerely,

Sorting Hat


	5. Sincerely, Lavender Brown

**Disclaimer: I can't come up with a funny disclaimer. I do not own Harry Potter or any Starkid references you may see here. But I do own the story, so don't copy!**

**Read and review.**

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Chapter Five: Lavender Brown

Dear Fanfiction authors:

So sue me, I went out with Ron Weasley. Yeah, we snogged, a lot, but hey, so did every couple in Hogwarts! You lot are just jealous that I dated the Quidditch star of the day. And honestly, you people would be no better if you were me. Ok, so maybe we snogged a bit more than was healthy, but you would do the same too, all you Ron fangirls out there! I've seen some of the frankly disturbing things you so-called fangirls write about him, and believe me, while I may be a bit shallow (yes, I know and acknowledge my weaknesses, which may surprise you, seeing as most of you think I'm just a dumb blond bimbo), I certainly would never let Ron do some of those things to me! Contrary to popular belief, we never _did _it, and I resent the implications.

But seriously, we were both young and foolish then. I mean, come on! We called each other 'Won-won' and 'Lav-lav', which, by the way, none of you have permission to call me by! We were just teenagers with lots of hormones and unresolved angst. I'm sure those of who have been teenagers or are teenagers will understand. It was a fling. Yeah, it hurt when he preferred Hermione Granger over me, but really? We had all seen that coming. There was even a betting pool on it. And yes, I did cry for a few weeks after, but I got over it. I don't spend all my time obsessing over my ex-boyfriend. Who do you think I am, Cho Chang? B****, I ain't Cho Chang! Ahem.

Which brings me to the highly insulting fact that almost all of you think me a dumb blond slut. Yeah, I'm blond, so what? I do get good grades, and not just in Divination, which by the way, is a deep and mysterious subject, and Professors Trelawney and Firenze are some of the most expert in their field! Stop laughing! And as I have already addressed, I am _not _a slut who flings herself on every Tom, Dick, and Harry that passes. Not that Harry Potter was ever interested in me.

I am now happily married to a wonderful man, with two lovely children, and a respectable career as a Healer in St. Mungo's, not, as you all think I am, a journalist for Witch Weekly. I'd much rather read it than write it. Besides, getting mauled by Greyback (thankfully while he was still human) does give you a whole new perspective on life. I discovered I wanted to help people who found themselves in similar situations. So there!

Sincerely,

Lavender Finnegan


	6. Sincerely, James Potter

**Hi everyone! Sorry about the long silence. I've had writer's block for the past few months, so I've been unable to write anything. But for fans and followers of The NOT Triwizard Tournament, do not despair! I am working very hard on the next chapter. I know how the story's going to go. It's writing it that's the problem. That's the last time I post a story without having finished it first! Oh well, lesson learned.**

**Sorry if this chapter is slightly uncomplementary towards James. I tried to write him as I imagined how he might act when confronted with the stories about him, but it's purely my interpretation of his character. Everyone has their own opinion, so if this James comes off as a bit too arrogant or cocky for your taste, then I apologize. **

**If I were J.K. Rowling, I would save Lupin, Tonks, and Hedwig instead of killing them, have Harry be with Hermione instead of Ginny and Neville with Luna, be filthy rich, and give Starkid the right to make at least partial profit of AVPM/S/SY. Sadly, I am not her, so Lupin, Tonks, and Dobby will stay dead, Harry and Hermione, and Neville and Luna, will remain non-existant couples, I will be extremely not rich, Starkid will not be making money off AVPM/S/SY, and I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Check out my tumblr for info on updates on my story, or if you're a Starkid fan with too much time on your hands. The link is on my profile page.**

**Read and review!**

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Chapter Six: James Potter

Dear Fanfiction authors:

She fell in love, with _me_, suckers, not Snivellus!

That's right, Lily Evans became Lily_ Potter_, not Lily Snape. Eww, just got shivers writing _that _down. Ok, so Snape ended up being semi non-Snivelly, and yeah, he saved Harry's life a bunch of times. But he's still a greasy, slimy, Slytherin, Death Eater, and that's not going to change anytime soon. And in case all of you forgot, he called her the 'M' word.

Yep, Lily is mine, not Snivellus', or Padfoot's, or Moony's. Really? Padfoot has assured me that he's too much of a handsome dog to settle down (although I rather think he's more of a mutt), and Moony has made it quite clear that he is very happy with his own wife. I still can't believe he got married to Sirius' cousin...

What else was I gonna say? Oh yeah! Harry's an only child, so sorry to all you people out there who think he has a whole bunch of siblings. Lily and I were planning to have more sprogs after Harry, but then a little prophecy came our way, and so did a big bad Voldie-dork. Kinda hard to have more kids when you're on the run from the most evil Dark Lord ever, or when you're dead.

But even if we did have more kids, especially, as you lot like to speculate, Harry being a twin and having a brother born just a few minutes before/after him, we'd treat both of them the same! I know I wasn't the nicest guy at school, but I'd never treat one of my kids better than the other! Not unless one of them turned into a slimy Slytherin snake or something. And I wouldn't treat them like a house elf either! What do you take me for, a Slytherin? I would never abandon any child of mine ever, not to the Dark Lord, not to Lily's horrid sister (which may be even worse than leaving them to Baldie-mort), and certainly not to some orphanage!

Right. Now that that's dealt with, let's get to the most serious and pressing concern here. Why do you guys keep on putting me with guys? Why can't you write me and Lily together? Are you lot incapable of that? I'm getting very tired of stories where I'm with Paddy, Moony, the rat, Paddy and Moony, Paddy and Moony and the rat, Snivellus (eww!), Snivellus and Paddy, Snivellus and Moony, Snivellus and Paddy and Moony, you get the point! Sorry people, I don't swing that way. There's only one true love for me, and _she _is my wife, Lily. On that topic, can you tone down the me snogging/shagging half/all the girls in Hogwarts? I never exactly shagged all of them, and I snogged less than half! But seriously (No! Don't you dare make that joke! I just got Paddy to shut up about it!), Lily's getting very temperamental whenever she sees those, and I'm getting rather tired of the couch, and being hexed. So be a little more discreet and realistic, or I'll set the full force of one Sirius Orion Black on you. And I mean the full pranking force. Because I think some of you would not mind at all if you met Paddy.

Lastly, it's _Prongs._ Not Bambi, not Prongsie (I will KILL Sirius for that!), not Dasher, or Dancer, or Prancer, or Vixen, or Comet, or Cupid, or Donner, or Blitzen (Lily made me watch that Muggle Christmas show with the flying reindeer with the red nose in it)! It's Prongs, as in, the prongs of a fork, or the prongs in a stag's antlers. Quite a majestic animal, if I do say so myself. Not at all a reindeer.

So, in conclusion (This is looking way to similar to an essay. I blame Moony for his accursed study habits that he forced on us!), Lily's with **_me_**, I'm with **_Lily_**, we have ONE child whom we wouldn't hurt in any way (pranking does NOT count), and I am Prongs, who did not snog/shag half/all the girls in Hogwarts. That was Paddy. Got it? Great.

Sincerely,

James Potter


	7. Sincerely, Barty Crouch Jr

**Sorry for the long absence from this story! I've been busy with school and my new fandoms, one of which should be very obvious from this chapter...**

**For those of you following "The NOT Triwizard Tournament", there is news on that soon! Not an update, but I am NOT abandoning the story. News will come soon on my plans for that story. Thank you to everyone who's read, reviewed, and followed both that story and this. Internet cookies for all of you!**

**Obligatory disclaimer: I am secretly a Time Lord who escaped Gallifrey's destruction, and I shall outlive Rowling, everyone at Warner Brothers, everyone at BBC, and everyone who owns Harry Potter and Doctor Who, and then I will be able to take the copyright! But until then, I don't own either or.**

**Read and review!**

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Chapter Seven: Barty Crouch Jr

Dear Fanfiction authors:

What is going on in your crazy Muggle heads? How dare you insult my master in such a blatant way, calling it humour? How dare you mock my family, the Lestranges? You write us like we are deranged Mudbloods, behaving like filthy Muggles! My master will torture and kill you all for that!

We are his most loyal, his most faithful! When he was exiled by the Potter brat, we alone sought him out! We went to Azkaban for him! Had my dear mother not rescued me, I would gladly have stayed there for my lord! My poor, dear mother. All she wanted was to help me one last time, but my damn father turned her last wish into a curse! He imprisoned me, confined me! I was glad to kill him when my master ordered it! I would do anything for my lord. I even spent a whole year Polyjuiced as that old scaredy cat Auror for him! Do you know how disgusting it is to be someone else all the time, how uncomfortable it is to stomp around with a wooden leg, feel that creepy eye in your socket? I had to pretend to be a paranoid Light wizard! Horrifying! I am so glad Bellatrix didn't see. I would never hear the end of it!

My master speaks the truth. You Muggles must be stupid apes. What do you mean I'm a 945 year old time travelling alien with a blue box? I am completely, 100% wizard! Completely normal! Even if I can't stand pears. And I have weird dreams where I see a bunch of different guys who seem familiar, strange metal men, horrendous creatures, and some girl called 'Rose'. And why do I have that watch with the strange markings on it? Every time I try to open it, I end up doing something else...

Never mind that! You filthy Muggles will all suffer and die when my master is restored! He would not begrudge me this. I was his most loyal, his most faithful! I, out of all his followers! Take down that tripe right now, and my Master may be merciful and make it a quick death for you!

Sincerely,

Barty Crouch Jr


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